Dating, R.I.P. – So Now What?

Dating on campus is officially dead.

But dating served a real purpose. Criticize it all you want, but in its heyday, it was the socially accepted pathway to American marriage.  Dating allowed young men and women to explore the possibility of a life together without diving headlong into a unbridled sexual passion. The rules of dating were understood.  Yes, the rules were sometimes broken.  But they were strategically placed like guardrails along a highway which keep inexperienced drivers from careening off the road into a ditch.

Rules of responsible dating protected young people in countless ways.  For example, when immediate sexual gratification was not expected, guys were forced to take a girlfriend’s non-physical attributes more seriously when deciding if the relationship should move forward. Young women who were less physically alluring but were good prospects for marriage didn’t find themselves left out of the dating scene. Young men were expected to act like gentlemen. Young women were supposed to guard their reputations. If they did not, the social consequences were real.

Those rules are now gone.  So how did it happen?  You can blame the sexual revolution.  The youth culture of the 60’s and 70’s. The secularization of society.  The spread of pornography via the internet.

But the last nail in the coffin was this: Adult authority figures — parents, teachers, church leaders, and campus administrators — adopted a hands-off policy regarding youth and sex. Older people assumed that younger people were mature enough to make their own rules.  Not just their own decisions, but their own rules. That’s a huge distinction.

When young people who are attracted to one another are unable to discuss their hopes, values and intentions, they are engaging in the same non-conversation that the adults in their lives had with them.  Yes, these young people know all about the mechanics of sex.  If they didn’t learn it from a health teacher in middle school,  they certainly picked it up from the popular culture. But no one bothered to inform them how to interact with human beings. Not how to exchange bodily fluids, but how to honestly relate to one another, how to give and demand respect.

In the last two articles, we looked at ten major conclusions of a report on college women and their sexual relationships.  Here’s the final conclusion.

11. The lack of adult involvement, guidance, and even knowledge regarding how young people are dating and mating today is unprecedented and problematic. Parents, college administrators, and other social leaders have largely stepped away from the task of guiding young people into intimate relationships and marriage. Few older adults are aware of what hooking up or dating means for college students today, and the institutional arrangements of space on many campuses, such as coed dorms, clearly help to facilitate the hook up culture.

So I guess it’s Graham Spanier’s fault. (Just kidding. We have nothing against President Spanier.)

The report concludes with four recommendations.

1. Recognize that older adults, including parents, college administrators, and other social leaders, should have important roles in guiding the courting and mating practices of the young. The virtual disappearance of adult participation in, or even awareness of, how today’s young people find and marry one another should be seen as a major social problem, and should end.

2. Recognize that college women typically do not yearn for a series of “close relationships,” but instead the majority seek long-term commitment and marriage.

3. There appears to have been a reduction in male initiative in dating on college campuses. Recognize that the burden of dating and mating should not fall on women alone, and that there is a need for greater male initiative.

4. Support the creation of socially prescribed rules and norms that are relevant to and appropriate for this generation, and that can guide young people with much more sensitivity and support toward the marriages they seek. When it comes to inherently social acts such as romance and marriage, social rules do more than restrict individual choice, they also facilitate it. The absence of appropriately updated social norms, rituals, and relationship milestones leaves many young women confused, and often disempowered, in their relationships with men. Socially defined courtship is an important pathway to more successful marriages.

To expect college administrators to do anything about this in today’s cultural and political climate is hardly realistic. That is simply not going to happen. Especially at a secular public institution like Penn State.

But there is someone else who ought to try.

The leaders of campus religious organizations. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is us. And pastors and youth leaders of our local churches.

We have been warning young people about the dangers of going too far in terms of  physical and emotional intimacy. But how much have we positively done to create plausible pathways to healthy marriage? And what have we done to personally mentor the individuals whom God has brought into our lives in these very personal and private matters?

We have been content to let dating (whatever that means) continue in our ministries. In the present culture, a laissez-faire policy is not enough. Religious groups on campus may be one of the few remaining places where dating is still found. But what are the accepted rules of behavior?  Where are the social norms and expectations? 

Dating can shape the whole climate in a campus fellowship for better or for worse.  Usually worse.  You know what I mean. At the beginning of every fall semester, the most desirable  young believers begin to pair off.  While they are experiencing their own Rapture, the less attractive, introverted and socially awkward are Left Behind.

And those who are dating — do we really know what they are doing? Are we willing to get nosy and personal with these young people? Or do we just continue with ”don’t ask, don’t tell,” dispensing biblical principles and moral expectations from a safe and comfortable distance?

Hard thinking and hard work are needed to carry out Recommendation #4: Support the creation of socially prescribed rules and norms that are relevant to and appropriate for this generation, and that can guide young people with much more sensitivity and support toward the marriages they seek.

That is not going to happen by accident. We will have to work together. We will have to talk to one another. We are going to have to learn new things. We must look for new effective ways to  implement ancient wisdom with spiritual power and cultural savvy.

What do you say?