The book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, written by Joshua Harris in 1997, has been a source of lively debate among Christians in America. Harris makes a case that young people should exercise great caution in dating, and consider giving it up altogether, until they are ready to seriously consider marriage.
Whatever position you might take on this, the debate might just be moot.
In an in-depth study of attitudes, values and behaviors of college women with respect to sexuality, researchers reported that dating — the traditional method of courtship of generations past — is officially dead. Cultural expectations about how young men and women are supposed to act when exploring the possibilities for romance and marriage are completely gone. Breaking the rules (for example, by having sex before marriage) used to be frowned upon. But now the rules just don’t exist. Except for isolated examples here and there, the institution of dating is now extinct.
“No more rules! Hooray! We are free!”
Not exactly.
The lack of socially prescribed rules and norms has left college aged young people — especially women — dazed and confused. Not knowing what to do, they make awful choices that hinder their long term goals and aspirations.
You can read the full report here if you like. But to give you an idea of what women are doing on campuses today, we will give you some of the major findings.
1. Marriage is a major life goal for the majority of today’s college women, and most would like to meet a spouse while at college. Eighty-three percent of respondents in the national survey agreed that “Being married is a very important goal for me,” and 63 percent agreed that “I would like to meet my future husband in college.” Contrary to what we might think, today’s college women have high marital aspirations and many are actively thinking about marriage.
2. But there are important aspects of the college social scene that appear to undermine the likelihood of achieving the goal of a successful future marriage. For example, since 1980, women have outnumbered men attending college. In 1997, the sex ratio on-campuses nationally was only 79 men for every 100 women.
3. In addition, relationships between college women and men today are often characterized by either too little commitment or too much, leaving women with few opportunities to explore the marriage worthiness of a variety of men before settling into a long-term commitment with one of them.
4. “Hooking up,” a distinctive sex-without-commitment interaction between college women and men, is widespread on-campuses and profoundly influences campus culture, although a minority of students engage in it. Three-fourths of respondents agreed that a “hook up” is “when a girl and a guy get together for a physical encounter and don’t necessarily expect anything further.” A “physical encounter” can mean anything from kissing to having sex. In the national survey, 40 percent of women said they had experienced a hook up, and one in ten reported having done so more than six times. Women who had hooked up reported a range of feelings, positive and negative, about the practice. For example, 61 percent of college women who said that a hook up made them feel “desirable” also reported that it made them feel “awkward.” Hooking up commonly takes place when both participants are drinking or drunk.
5. To say “we hooked up” could mean a couple kissed, or had sex, or had oral sex, but no one will know for sure. Indeed, it appears that the ambiguity of the phrase “hooking up” is part of the reason for its popularity. Although premarital sex is much more acceptable now than in the past, women are still wary of getting a bad reputation. Saying “we hooked up” allows women to be vague about the nature of the physical encounter while stating that it happened.
What do you think about all this?
Stay tuned — there’s more to come.
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This topic frequently comes up in my discussion sections I TA for. Girls get annoyed that guys in college don’t seem to want to commit. Some of my guy students have said it’s the girls’ fault when girls lower their standards and don’t expect guys to treat them with respect.
I agree that the idea of “dating” does seem to be extinct, or on its way out. Several of my students and classmates have said it’s rare for people to “date” in the traditional sense. From a sociological perspective, changes such as feminism, the birth control pill, the advent of the automobile, shifts in ideologies, and other factors have dramatically changed the way dating is perceived.
In my undergraduate institution, a professor wrote a controversial article about the dating culture on campus. He challenged women and placed some of the responsibility upon women to expect more from men by refusing to accept the “hooking up” culture. (One quote from his article: “But if a woman is not a fortress to be stormed, if she is not a civilizing power that demands that certain standards be met before capitulation can be anticipated, then there is one less reason for boys to go through all this rigmarole. If gentlemanly behavior is not demanded by somebody, it is hard to see why it will be sustained.”) Of course this article received a huge backlash from both men and women on campus; many students interpreted the article as blaming women for men’s immaturity. However, I think there is truth to his statements.
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this is something i see everyday as a high school teacher. girls wanting attention, acceptance, affirmation, and willing to give away everything to get this. but then getting no commitment in return.
i wouldn’t agree, at least on the high school scene, that dating is extinct. but dating means something altogether. sex is a casual part of a dating relationship. and anyone who doesn’t see it this way is considered backwards.
media, popular sitcoms like “friends” promotes such a view of dating. and they laugh about it. and being able to laugh about it means there’s no pain there. and that life is good. but these sitcoms never portray the whole picture — about the secret pains, frustrations, and lives messed up (their own and others).
i often overhear boys who talk about wanting to “get some”, but not wanting to have a relationship.
sex has usurped relationship.
this makes me sad, because we are perpetuating a broken culture, where relationships are becoming worthless in comparison to momentary pleasures. all this is tied together in some way, i think: fatherless children, cheating husbands, divorce, rape, sex addiction, and “hooking up”.
these are all symptoms of a self-centered culture and worldview. we are the stuff, everyone else is there for our use.
people are left with all the pleasure they want, but void of the deep satisfaction God intended for us through relationships. we remain alone, so lonely.
i wish my students would understand that we were made for relationships with others and relationship with God. we weren’t made for sex.
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Susan, I really enjoy that quote. It’s definitely something I think about. If it isn’t challenging to win over a woman why try harder than necessary? If women don’t demand to be treated as precious and worthy then experience has shown that they won’t be. I feel cheated. I know so many immature men; they are never challenged in their character because no one requires it or even expects it. Men could call women easy and needy though, just as easily as we can call them immature. All of us are at the mercy of low expectations. We are so jaded; many are just willing to settle and call it good enough. They don’t have to be respected, loved and adored to commit or sustain a relationship.
Josh, I like what you say about relationships. Experience has shown us not to expect too much from them. People use those that they are close to to give them what they want or need–Be it love, attention or booty—without giving the same amount of love or understanding in return. There are always conditions. I would say the ultimate example of love is Jesus who was selfless and full of understanding . He loved imperfect people. I wonder where we can draw the line between having standards and expecting too much?
One more thing on that topic (sorry this is so long): As a girl I often find it confusing to become close friends with guys. In my experience, the notion that dating in the translucent, perhaps old fashioned way is dead is accurate. It is hard to navigate relationships with the opposite sex because there is no clear definition of a romantic relationship and intentions can be left in the dark. I dislike wondering if my understanding of the friendship is an accurate one. -
I think the hook up culture is deeply influenced by our generation’s need for quick and easy results without really understanding the point of a process. We live in a time and place where you can pretty much gain access to anything with the click of a button (youtube? wikipedia?) and information seems to be fragmented into short and easily digestible messages (twitter? facebook statuses?) Hooking up is part of this need for quick and easy fixes. Maybe men that belong to this culture don’t sense the importance of romancing a significant other and eventually turn to hooking up and pornography. Maybe women that belong to this culture expect better results from hooking up than waiting and developing character that will slowly earn the respect of a man.
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interesting last couple of sentences! i have the same questions except put a “wo” in front of the “man” in the very last one.
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Ruthie, I like how you wrote, “I dislike wondering if my understanding of the friendship is an accurate one.”
I think the lines between friendship/relationship have been kinda blurred, and I guess this is related to the idea that dating has become extinct, or on its way out. Maybe that’s why the term “friends with benefits” has become popular… -
I love hearing my grandmother AKA my best friend tell me the story of how she and my grandfather met and began dating, and later married. The first time he met my grandma he knew he was interested, and so showed up on her doorstep the next day and asked her out to coffee. They began dating with the intention to marry, and ended having a beautiful family! Times have definitely changed, and all I hear from my girl and guy friends are how confused they are with their “friendships” with the opposite sex. I thought those silly games would stop after middle school but here I am in college and it’s the same story! I totally agree with you Ruthie when you say, “I dislike wondering if my understanding of the friendship is an accurate one.”
What’s interesting is so many people are engaging in sexual relationships and are STILL confused and don’t know how to define these relationships. It definitely shows how sex is no longer saved for marriage or even dating, but now available to friends and even strangers. -
Don’t forget the Friends w/ “benefits” attitude that’s pretty popular as well. Some college-aged girls that I work with joke around about it… saying they don’t mind being a “booty” call… but it really makes me wonder how emotionally damaging this is for them in the future.
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