Comments on: You Can Kiss Dating Goodbye (Part 1)

By: Mary

Mary — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 04:13:50 +0000

Don’t forget the Friends w/ “benefits” attitude that’s pretty popular as well. Some college-aged girls that I work with joke around about it… saying they don’t mind being a “booty” call… but it really makes me wonder how emotionally damaging this is for them in the future.

By: Hannah B

Hannah B — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 22:34:33 +0000

I love hearing my grandmother AKA my best friend tell me the story of how she and my grandfather met and began dating, and later married. The first time he met my grandma he knew he was interested, and so showed up on her doorstep the next day and asked her out to coffee. They began dating with the intention to marry, and ended having a beautiful family! Times have definitely changed, and all I hear from my girl and guy friends are how confused they are with their “friendships” with the opposite sex. I thought those silly games would stop after middle school but here I am in college and it’s the same story! I totally agree with you Ruthie when you say, “I dislike wondering if my understanding of the friendship is an accurate one.”
What’s interesting is so many people are engaging in sexual relationships and are STILL confused and don’t know how to define these relationships. It definitely shows how sex is no longer saved for marriage or even dating, but now available to friends and even strangers.

By: Susan

Susan — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 06:05:18 +0000

Ruthie, I like how you wrote, “I dislike wondering if my understanding of the friendship is an accurate one.”
I think the lines between friendship/relationship have been kinda blurred, and I guess this is related to the idea that dating has become extinct, or on its way out. Maybe that’s why the term “friends with benefits” has become popular…

By: Andrew

Andrew — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:01:48 +0000

I think dating is pretty dead in the high school scene as well. Maybe not dead, but completely wrong. At least at my high school, people would be “going out” with a friend one week, and then “going out” with another the next. People would just boyfriend/girlfriend hop among the people in their cliques. Dating has lost its value. A long-term relationship in high school was really rare. Out of all the people I knew in high school, only one or two were in relationships that lasted longer than a year. The biggest problem is that people don’t understand anymore that dating is for marriage. They date for affection, hugs, kisses, and “more”, self-centered things as Josh mentioned. My belief is that dating is for marriage. If you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s because you’re SERIOUSLY contemplating marrying that someone.

By: Ruthie

Ruthie — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 01:14:17 +0000

interesting last couple of sentences! i have the same questions except put a “wo” in front of the “man” in the very last one.

By: Charles

Charles — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 00:03:35 +0000

I think the hook up culture is deeply influenced by our generation’s need for quick and easy results without really understanding the point of a process. We live in a time and place where you can pretty much gain access to anything with the click of a button (youtube? wikipedia?) and information seems to be fragmented into short and easily digestible messages (twitter? facebook statuses?) Hooking up is part of this need for quick and easy fixes. Maybe men that belong to this culture don’t sense the importance of romancing a significant other and eventually turn to hooking up and pornography. Maybe women that belong to this culture expect better results from hooking up than waiting and developing character that will slowly earn the respect of a man.

By: Ruthie

Ruthie — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 23:53:13 +0000

Susan, I really enjoy that quote. It’s definitely something I think about. If it isn’t challenging to win over a woman why try harder than necessary? If women don’t demand to be treated as precious and worthy then experience has shown that they won’t be. I feel cheated. I know so many immature men; they are never challenged in their character because no one requires it or even expects it. Men could call women easy and needy though, just as easily as we can call them immature. All of us are at the mercy of low expectations. We are so jaded; many are just willing to settle and call it good enough. They don’t have to be respected, loved and adored to commit or sustain a relationship.
Josh, I like what you say about relationships. Experience has shown us not to expect too much from them. People use those that they are close to to give them what they want or need–Be it love, attention or booty—without giving the same amount of love or understanding in return. There are always conditions. I would say the ultimate example of love is Jesus who was selfless and full of understanding . He loved imperfect people. I wonder where we can draw the line between having standards and expecting too much?
One more thing on that topic (sorry this is so long): As a girl I often find it confusing to become close friends with guys. In my experience, the notion that dating in the translucent, perhaps old fashioned way is dead is accurate. It is hard to navigate relationships with the opposite sex because there is no clear definition of a romantic relationship and intentions can be left in the dark. I dislike wondering if my understanding of the friendship is an accurate one.

By: josh

josh — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 16:12:07 +0000

this is something i see everyday as a high school teacher. girls wanting attention, acceptance, affirmation, and willing to give away everything to get this. but then getting no commitment in return.

i wouldn’t agree, at least on the high school scene, that dating is extinct. but dating means something altogether. sex is a casual part of a dating relationship. and anyone who doesn’t see it this way is considered backwards.

media, popular sitcoms like “friends” promotes such a view of dating. and they laugh about it. and being able to laugh about it means there’s no pain there. and that life is good. but these sitcoms never portray the whole picture — about the secret pains, frustrations, and lives messed up (their own and others).

i often overhear boys who talk about wanting to “get some”, but not wanting to have a relationship.

sex has usurped relationship.

this makes me sad, because we are perpetuating a broken culture, where relationships are becoming worthless in comparison to momentary pleasures. all this is tied together in some way, i think: fatherless children, cheating husbands, divorce, rape, sex addiction, and “hooking up”.

these are all symptoms of a self-centered culture and worldview. we are the stuff, everyone else is there for our use.

people are left with all the pleasure they want, but void of the deep satisfaction God intended for us through relationships. we remain alone, so lonely.

i wish my students would understand that we were made for relationships with others and relationship with God. we weren’t made for sex.

By: Susan

Susan — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:48:46 +0000

This topic frequently comes up in my discussion sections I TA for. Girls get annoyed that guys in college don’t seem to want to commit. Some of my guy students have said it’s the girls’ fault when girls lower their standards and don’t expect guys to treat them with respect.

I agree that the idea of “dating” does seem to be extinct, or on its way out. Several of my students and classmates have said it’s rare for people to “date” in the traditional sense. From a sociological perspective, changes such as feminism, the birth control pill, the advent of the automobile, shifts in ideologies, and other factors have dramatically changed the way dating is perceived.

In my undergraduate institution, a professor wrote a controversial article about the dating culture on campus. He challenged women and placed some of the responsibility upon women to expect more from men by refusing to accept the “hooking up” culture. (One quote from his article: “But if a woman is not a fortress to be stormed, if she is not a civilizing power that demands that certain standards be met before capitulation can be anticipated, then there is one less reason for boys to go through all this rigmarole. If gentlemanly behavior is not demanded by somebody, it is hard to see why it will be sustained.”) Of course this article received a huge backlash from both men and women on campus; many students interpreted the article as blaming women for men’s immaturity. However, I think there is truth to his statements.